A reader submitted this question to me:
I have kids with my boyfriend but we recently broke up. I don’t know how I am going to handle this break up with the kids being involved.
Reader, this one is tricky. I do not have kids so I can only assume the attachment you have with your ex and how intense it is with the kids being involved. I do have girlfriends and cousins who have experienced this same thing so I do sympathize with you.
My relationship advice for you would be the following:
1. Do Not Have Sex With Him
Often times when people have kids together, they feel that somehow that gives them license to bone that person forever, even if they are no longer in a relationship with them. Don’t fall into this trap. He may feel that it is just sex and you might feel that way too in the moment. However, if you truly want to move on then you cannot sex them and expect to still stay unattached. Women in particular often become attached via sexual activity more often than men. [pullquote]So, it may be a way for you to leave the door open but for him it may just be honey pot that is on call.[/pullquote]
2. Keep It About The Kids
You are going to have to have a friendship with him because of the kids. Try your best to keep it about the kids. If the relationship is truly over then there is no point in you discussing the problems of the relationship every time you two are exchanging the child/children. Make the visits about the children only and do not allow them to turn into a screaming match between you and your children’s father about whatever issues you and him have.
3. Date When You Are Ready
Most people suggest that when you experience a break up that you should rush back into dating. I disagree. I think you should take this time to love yourself. Why? This is the time where you might feel the most vulnerable and unloved or even abandoned depending on if the break up was not consensual. This is the time you should do the things that you love. The things that make your happy. Spend time with your freinds. Remember how special you are and put all the love you would put into someone else into loving yourself and your children only for a while.
4. Don’t See Him Unless You Have To
Don’t make up reasons not related to your children to spend time with their Father. This will only make the break up harder. You may be accustomed to the romantic aspect of your relationship but if that is truly over, you finding reasons to hang around him unrelated to the children is not helpful for your emotional state. Doing the things you used to do when you were a couple makes things more confusing for you.
5. Be Mature
Don’t punish him for the break up by not allowing him to see his kids. Or using them as tools to spy on him and his new love interest. Too often I have seen freinds of mine use their children as punishment over their children’s father. It only made them look like fools. This did not make the guy want them back. What it did do was cause unnecessary tension between her and her ex. Even the child might sense the tension and this is never healthy for them. [pullquote]Remember, you are being mature for your child not him.[/pullquote]
Readers, please feel free to leave her comments and advice if you are more experienced in this scenario.
Errick, I was being satirical. Who asked you? And FYI we have three children and break ups are difficult, but I'm over it.
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