Anonymous wrote:
I’m a 27 yr old former teenage mom; i had my son at 16 and that left my stomach with terrible stretch marks, though creams have helped, to me i look like i’ve given birth to 4 children. I’m attractive, educated, and has a good personality but when guys ask me out, my level of confidence drops, i tell them “i just came out of a bad relationship” or “i have too much on my plate”. The fact is, i don’t want them to see my flaw, i’m afraid they’ll laugh and tell everyone who knows me. Its now to the point where i go to work and come home and don’t go out except with my son but no dates whatsoever. The only time i’m with a man is with my married friend who knew me a long time and i dont mind if he sees it, because he doesnt stare at my stomach or ask about it. But im getting attached to him, i’m jealous of his wife, i wish he was with me. But he yells at me for other things and makes me cry and even though he doesn’t laugh at my stomach, i know he abuses me in other ways and i take it; while making myself unavailable for other men.
Someone referred me to this website and i would really appreciate your advise on it.
Dear Anonymous,
First of all girl, you have to find a way to not gratify your beauty through the opinions of others. I know that we are all human and sometimes we enjoy the attention and gratification of others BUT there has to be a limit to it. In other words, you have to allow the love for yourself be enough to fill you up because technically, it is no other person’s responsibility to ensure that you “feel” pretty.
As far as your guy, I’m going to need you to leave the married man alone! Quick! Don’t trap yourself into believing that one day he will leave you for his wife. Truthfully, even if he did, would you really want him? He is a cheater and if he is doing his wife wrong chances are that eventually he would do the same to you. I do not care how much he tells you he loves you and cares for you and what you and him have is different. Blah, blah. Think of it this way, he married his wife. He made the ultimate pledge of love to her and he is still cheating on her with you. What does that tell you? Hmmm?
He is not the only man who will find you attractive TRUST me. As I mentioned earlier, self love comes from within and once you have that within, others will gravitate towards you. The trick is not to base your self confidence on the opinions that others have of you because people are finicky. They feel one way this day and another the other day. The best assurance should come from oneself.
Finally, there are other man who will want you and accept you as you are. Haven’t you ever loved someone who was not “perfect”? Ofcourse you have because no one is! Even if they do not have a physicality that do not like about themselves there is always something about them that they wish they could change for whatever reason. So do not limit yourself to settling for being the other woman because you are scared that he is the only one who will ever find you attractive. Be stronger than that…
You have to get out there! You have to try! Mr. Right is not going to fall out of your living room ceiling. There is nothing wrong with you spending time with your son, as he should always be your priority. However, you are still young and if you ever want to HAVE YOUR OWN MAN, then you have to go out into the world and make yourself seen. You mentioned that the guy you were “dating” is mean to you also. Screw that! You do not have to accept any type of negative treatment from any man. That stems from how you feel about yourself. Trust me, I have been there. I had to learn my own self worth and never doubt it. Why would you WANT to be around an a**hole? You deserve better, but YOU have to embrace that concept. Let it soak in to your spirit. If you have to tell yourself how wonderful and beautiful you are in front of a mirror daily. Remember that it is called SELF confidence, SELF esteem. A man can tell you that you are gorgeous 100 times a day and you can still choose not to believe it because you don’t feel it WITHIN. You have to be the one to love yourself the most. No one should love you like you love yourself. I’m not talking about being selfish or self-centered. I am saying that you have to know your own SELF worth. That my dear is no one else’s job but your own.
P.S. You are so worth it girl. Know this with every cell in your body. Stretch marks and all….
YSSI community, feel free to give her advice in the comments.
I think you are too hard on yourself and i think its because of all the influence out there, such as celebs on magazine covers showing off their "post baby body" and leaving women feeling like having stretch marks is something other-worldly. Your story reminds me of an episode of "How To Look Good Naked"; a woman had the same issue. In that episode it was also stated that women usually see themselves as bigger than they really are, more unattractive than they really are and so-on; so who knows probably your stretch marks are not as bad (given birth to four children) as they really seem to you. The remedy for that woman was the same as LJ said, you have to look within yourself and reassure yourself that you are pretty and deserve much better.
Also that married man does not care about you, posing as your friend by not mentioning the one thing he knows will upset you, so you think he is your savior, and he gets all the power to abuse you at the same time; he is preying on your weakness.
Your self worth should not be only determined by your outward appearance, look at the things you've accomplished; and the things you are grateful for in your life and the people who's lives you may have touched in the past and revel in that positivity, soak it in and believe that you are special and that you should get a partner solely for you and who would be mature enough to accept you as you are. You deserve much better. Good Luck!
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