Comments on: Black Women, Do You Grieve?

By: Bunnie

Bunnie — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 17:15:06 +0000

Thank you. I still cringe when I remember Terry McMillan on Oprah tearing down her downlow husband as though her heart hadn’t been ripped out of her chest because she felt she had to be the Strong Black Woman. In my short life I lost my mother at a young age, a marriage and a baby. At no time did any of my friends hug or comfort me, but told me to “hurry up and get over it”. The worst part? When my first marriage ended, I was told I should be glad because I got a settlement. Money cannot cure a broken heart or pay back the years I spent with someone I loved before coming home to find another woman lying on my bed. If I cried, I was given a buspar or made to feel so uncomfortable I ended up in a major depression. Not that any black woman feels depressed.

I’ve had it with being hard. I watched my aunts emasculate the crap of my cousins with their hard-hearted behavior and swore I’d never do the same. Now I feel as if I’m living a double life. I tell people I went to the spa on days I feel I need to cry.

By: AnonyMiss

AnonyMiss — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:22:59 +0000

Not being able to confront your emotions is a sign of weakness. Crying is not. If you can cry, you can move past things, come to terms with them. If you can’t, well you might appear ok on the outside, but the pain doesn’t just go away. And with every bad thing that comes it will keep building up until you decide to deal with it. I’m just now learning how to accept and acknowledge my feelings. For used I was told that I was being dramatic or overly sensitive when I tried to express myself and as a result I have developed a serious disorder that I’m trying so hard to fight. Had I just been allowed to cry in the first place, this likely never would have happened. But I internalized all my emotions, and eventually it almost destroyed me. All that pain. I’ve progressed a lot since realizing this and now I can cry again. To most people crying is a bad thing but whenever I cry I actually feel really good afterwards because it’s a way to release my pain and before I couldn’t even do it.

By: GreenEyez

GreenEyez — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 04:25:40 +0000

Honestly Im glad you wrote this too…because it was only within the last 6 months has this concept of vulnerability been introduced to me as a black woman. All my life in various ways I have been bombarded with the ideals that my feelings arent of the highest importance. And Im not talking the superficial, self centered ones. The brokenheartedness, the feelings of hurt and frustration. Its always been GET OVER IT or GET OVER IT QUICK which no one should be allowed to drown in melancholy and misery for a looooooooong period of time. But how long it takes for one is not how long it takes for another. I believe its a cultural thing… Ms Knight keep challenging the miseducation and negative stereotypes in our community no matter what anyone says. Its time for healing and I can see that you are contributing too “healing” in the black community whether u know it or not.

By: MsRYL

MsRYL — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 02:29:14 +0000

I can surely relate! I have always known how to give in to my grief, whatever the reason may be. But, I have found that many don’t know how to “handle” it . . . like it needs to be handled. To paraphrase “Ain’t I a Human?”

An ex of mine flipped out because I had emotional jag. (Yes, I have those moments, too.) He said “Superwoman aint supposed to cry.” AND HE MEANT THAT! Needless to say, that was the beginning of our end because it became apparent that HE wasn’t in touch with himself, when he wanted to put the blame on the “heartless, hard Black woman”. NOT!

Please grieve until you are done … no more, no less.

By: MsRYL

MsRYL — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 18:31:21 +0000

I forgot to say: my condolences to you and yours on the loss of your best friend!

By: Frankie_Kate

Frankie_Kate — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 14:32:57 +0000

Great article LJ,
it is true, ppl always expect Black women to toughen up. After one of my break-ups my mom yelled at me when she caught me with tears in my eyes – “I hope u aint thinking about that boy, what’s wrong with you?!”. I wanted her to sit with me like a “girlfriend” and find out how i feel inside, not make me feel like some weak, stupid person who was foolishly caught up with a person.

I love this piece that you wrote especially the part that says – Black women we are not machines, or shells without hearts, emotions, and deep feelings. It should not be an issue for you to take your time in grieving.

Great Article!! as usaul

By: STRAPPYHEELS

STRAPPYHEELS — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 06:53:25 +0000

THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS PIECE.
Seems like you are talking about my life. When I was 4 yrs. old my mother died. My maternal grandmother continued to raise me until I was 11 yrs old and then she died of cancer. Talking about a young girl’s foundation being shook. On top of all that my mom was found dead in our apartment around the holidays and it is still really hard for me to this day to truly enjoy this time of the year. I am 39 yrs. old and a mother of two and here to tell you that you never get over it. It sounds like your grandmother was a true MATRIARCH as mine was and that is something that will live with you for the rest of your days. You no longer have this amazing person around so that you physically speak to and learn from. That is hard to just get over. SHE WAS YOUR GRANDMOTHER! You shall mourn her in anyway you she fit.

By: ROZ

ROZ — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 19:46:44 +0000

Thanks for writing this article. Grandma would be very proud of you.

LOVE MOM

By: Yodit Deet

Yodit Deet — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 14:23:24 +0000

Wow, I can relate. When my grandma, best friend, confidant, my foundation and my mentor passed away, I didn’t grieve like most would. She was a strong black woman and was always there to comfort others. It took awhile for me to realize that she was no longer here. It was not that I was in denial, I was just so accustomed to picking up the phone and calling her everyday. I am in Maryland and she was in NC. Finally, I realized..ok..Yodit..she is gone physically..but she is here with me spiritually. So when I want to see her face or hear her voice I pray to dream about her and it happens. She has never left me, yes she is with me..daily. She has left her legacy behind within me. You are not showing weakness by grieving, you are showing respect and honor to someone who has impacted your life in an awesome way!!

~Yodit

By: Deauna

Deauna — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:43:36 +0000

I went through this same thing with my mother. People don’t know how to respond and do expect you to get on with life as if a major part of it wasn’t disrupted. I also realized that people how experienced a similar loss were more able to understand how I felt. Grieve. Your friends care; they just may not know what to do for you.